Just Because

I came back around the scene because I was bored. I came back around the scene because a fellow blogger beat and whipped me! Whipped because of inactivity. Whipped because of having progress and not noting it! So, I've decided to post just because a blogger told me to!

I wouldn't say that I have been making progress exactly. I just haven't been digressing into a worsened state. I have been out with two more girls but it hasn't been anywhere. On to the next one! Right? I think so... There's one out there for me so I'll find her! Maybe...

I was entertaining a chick wit a dick. Does that count as a female? She looks fine as brown gravy and could pass for a female too! I mean, she fooled me! After the date, she told me there was something important I should know. I had her in my car and she just grabbed my hand. She held it for a minute. Silence. She moved it and placed it on her dick and I was done! It was all over. I took a trannie out on a date and liked it!

This was a "just because moment!

I wanted a church girl!

Today, I ran into this girl. She was one of those round the way nice ghetto girls. You could tell she had it in her to act up but she was keeping it calm cool and collected! She had dreads that was freshly done. She was skinny, like near half my size! I'm about a 34 waist on a bad day! So she was bony and looking good! She was beautiful! I was intimidated!

I've never approached a girl outside of church. Being in the church, at least you know they are aware of their morals, even if they don't display them on a regular basis. You know how church people can be, especially the PK's! I didn't really know how to start off anything with her! I said hello, but couldn't redirect anything past general conversation. I'm such a punk! lol

How do you talk to people? How do you recognize flirting? How do you effectively flirt with women? Never really done this. What do women typically wish to see or get from a man who is flirting? I did notice no wedding ring but she said she mentioned she can't stay married for more than two years. Hmmm I don't know how to feel about that!

Can someone shed some insight on this?

I can't believe this!

This woman, or girl or whatever you wish to call her, let me tell you about HER! I can't take it! This is why so many ::breathes:: freakin women are single! I gotta give out the story because this one left me heated and scratching my head and confused at the same time!

I went out on a double date with a friend of mine from back in the day. We just caught a movie and dinner afterwards. We weren't hungry beforehand! So, at dinner, the subject of kids came up. The other couple were engaged and expecting twins in about 3 months, I believe. I noticed a pig shaped snout when the subject arose from my date. I ask her what she felt about having kids. She strongly disagreed! I asked even if she was married? She sternly dismissed any remote possibility of conceiving. Stab one!

I am at that checkpoint in my life where if things are not aligning with my personal goals and long-term goals, I dismiss them. If things are not going to fit, why keep things around if they will hinder or not conform to your dreams and aspirations?

I thought to myself well I don't really need kids, and she may turn her way of thinking in the future. I asked about how she felt about marriage. Knowing a lil about her family, she is no poor girl! I brought up the idea of a prenup. I am all for one protecting what they have, don't get me wrong! Just not in any marriage of mine. I will not have any kind of prenup restricting the limits of my marriage. That is entering with a fail safe plan! I'm entering with a success plan! The appetizer hadn't yet come out yet and I was over this date.

I dropped her off home and she could tell I was bothered and upset. No invite in this time, or none that I paid attention to! I drove home and sat and then my phone rang. It was her. She asked what was bothering me and I told her all what was on my mind. She was steadfast and unmovable in her views and I was not going to sacrifice. I bid her goodnight and I left no indication that there would be a 3rd date.

Was it me that missed out or was it her? Was it me that limited myself or was it her that shortchanged herself? Why is it women want a good man that has their things together and they are not willing to do what it takes to keep him. Why is it there are so many women in the world and there are so many problems that men come across when trying to find one? I really can't understand!

Let me be real!

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My Date!

A couple of people asked me about this date I went on. I'm really at odds about it, to be honest. Lets play it out so you guys know what happened!

I picked her up from her place and we sat in the car for a few mins. There was awkward silence and the tension was thick in the little space we occupied! I had plans on where to go, but I gave her the option on what she wanted to do. She didn't seem to be very decisive so I made her mind up for her!

We took a drive down to the port. She, being a little confused, was hesitant on getting out of my car. I extended my hand to help her out and closed the door and we walked talking about what happened in church on the previous Sunday. Ending the topic of conversation, she asks where we're off to. I respond, avoiding to answer, but giving the answer, "you'll know when we get there!"

We walk a bit further and we arrive at a small cruise liner. I've planned a luncheon banquet that had an all you can eat buffet, a live band and free wine. [I got my sip in and repented later!] She was shocked to the point of almost tearing! Are women this emotional all of the time? GOODNESS! We talked and ate and talked some more, just about anything that came to mind. It was a nice time.

The cruise ended about 3 hours later. I drove her back home. She invited me in. I started to enter and I thought about one thing my pastor said, "A good date is one where you can say good night!" I grabbed her hand and pulled her close and kindly declined to enter. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and went my way back to the car. She stood flabbergasted in the doorway! I waved and departed.

That was my date!

Today is the Day!

I will be going on that date today. I am a little nervous about the whole ordeal. We haven't spoken since that day we spoke at church. I guess thats good right? that enables more to be talked about on the date! Said with the assumption that I would not be clamming up into an unsociable mut!

Okay I have that school-boy nervousness! The kind that occurs right before a test that you're unsure about! I don't like this feeling!

Why does this feel like this is the only date I will ever have? Why do I feel like I am banking the rest of my life on this date? Is there alot riding on this date? I am making myself more nervous just talking on the inept possibility! I just cannot take it!

More to come!

Setup!

So I was at church on this past week and one of the church mothers calls me ova to her after service. We are talkin about school, and work and guess what my girlfriend. I look away and suddenly distanced myself from details of this part of the conversation. She tells me not to be ashamed. I thought "what"! She said there's nothing wrong with saving yourself. I thought "she has no clue huh"! She told me that I am of the age when I am looking my best. She advised me if I was looking for a wife to begin looking now. I asked "where on earth would I look?" She said "in the church dear"! I caught myself and reserved my statement! She calls over a familiar name. Do you remember that girl I was talking about in my last post, well It's her!

I'm like no this isn't happening! Why is this happening? I just want this nightmare to be over!

Scaredy Cat

I, in the worst way, would like to step to this girl. Here's the problem, I'm a considerate guy. I don't want to take advantage of her feelings knowing I'm fighting a gay demon inside of me! I really think I'd be a good candidate for her and she might even like me too. We've flirted on occassion. I believe she may be too young for me. I wanted a saved woman that was closer to God than I was. This one is just getting her feet wet in college! She can't wait to turn 21 and I have been there for some time now. I have been the places where she wants to experiment. I just don't know.

I've longed for a wife ever since I turned 18 and have never had luck successfully dating. At the same time I've always tried dating secular women (aints)! I just don't want to take advantage of anyone for my selfish needs. I don't wanna ruin anyone else's life because of my confusion. A traditional family is what I want. A wife is what I need! Its better to marry than to burn, right? thats scripture! lol

Why do I get caught out there? Maybe I will find that woman that will help me out of this confusion, I don't know! We'll see

Let's Get It Out There

Since I am pretty messed up, and I want to change, I need to know what I need to change. What am I doing wrong that needs to change? That's the purpose of this post!

1. I'm gay! (shocker?)
2. I cuss like a sailor! I have been very adamant about not cussing on here!
3. I love sex! Sex outside of marriage is a sin, so I need to change that!
4. I judge people! I think the gay community calls it "reading people"! :-/
5. I have this drinking habit. Its not out of control, but I have to present my body a living sacrifice! Can't be all cloudy and tipsy for God!
6. I am having urges to smoke! That's a habit I don't want to have. Need to drop that urge!
7. Devotion has been a weak point of mine. I give God part of me, part-time! (need I say more?)
8. I have this partying spirit. Its fun loving and it is going to be a hard spirit to part with.

I have mentioned the bulk of my troubles and reoccurring sins. Now all that is left to do is to overcome them one by one1 whether it be a healing, deliverance, or an uplift!

Please pray for me and for my strength in the Lord!

My short introduction!

This blog will be about me and my battle to break free from this gay demon! I never thought it would be this much trouble and an effort to try to break free but the battle has been rough. There have been complications along the way. I believe I will make it.

Its my journey as it happens. no fallacies or fiction, just the pure truth! Maybe I will get my Donnie McKlurkin Story yet!